• Belle Hahn

Inward Bound: Is this the Real Chicken Paprikash?

No where to go but inside yourself now.

and ride the waves of that ride...

For me, all that was suppressed is coming up.

Painful yes. And also Purifying.

My father died 9 years ago tomorrow:

(In my birth state as Leo..many call me a cat with at least 9 lives a day...but now life is a but quieter and I'm purring inward instead of roaring out..)

I feel my father here. Especially these days... His Spirit has not left me.

But I do miss his physical form.

I miss his smell, his presence, the way he carried a tennis racket...his bowl of soup at lunch post a late breakfast feast. The way he read The NY Times in the morning, watched tennis in the afternoon and watched a movie at night. This is after years of working in the art world in NY..but I just remember the dad part most about him. I miss hugging him and the twinkle in his eye...

the senses of him.

So in missing him deeply, Last night I made his favorite dinner:

Hungarian Chicken Paprikash

I heard his voice again in my head...a flashback after I made it for the 90th time when I was a child for him, he always said,

"It's good, but it's not the Real Paprikash"

What is the Real Paprikash? I am sad to say I have never been to Hungary...

So I question how does one recreate the recipe of someone else's Childhood? That familiar taste of comfort..He loved it and it was so real to him...

But I am not sure I like paprika's anymore..

Maybe I never did, but the familiarity of it in family gatherings, and the special smell of the kitchen and the way it lasts for familiar to me...

The way we are holding on to the things we used to a time of so much change..

The things we thought we could control...

It's so interesting...this time in our lives where we used to rely on people for comfort and all of a sudden seeing your loved ones is scary.

Last night I realized as much as Paprikash comforted me in the past, it may not anymore.

What do I actually like?? What food? What design aesthetic? What is important to me??

Now is my opportunity to quiet the outer noise of what I thought I wanted and go inward in to my own... People are still the most valuable gifts in my life..Loving them is a source of my own joy.

But I don't need to see them always in the physical form to deeply connect.

This time in history reminds me of "Losing dad" all over again...triggering more loss, such as divorce...and re triggering pain..and yet

Nothing is lost.

I still make mediocre paprika and I still hear my father's voice. I still love him and feel him all the time and the gift of life he and my mother gave me, and the gift Daniel gave me in our history and in our present, with our beloved children.

The smells linger on in the kitchen and I need to get air to process the effect childhood memories and sensations Still have for me.

Even if we cannot physically be together, we can stay connected through our senses, reflecting on the light and through feeling the love that still lingers onward...

In honor or Michael Haber's Birthday today: a friend whom also "lost" his father..I reflect back the light he captured here...Thank you Michael: wise kind soul and also and honoring the power of Ansea....who also heals with water (my dad was also an Aquarius).

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