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  • Belle Hahn

A Picture Is Worth?

Updated: Mar 27, 2020

A Thousand Words?


Photo By Elizabeth Moore

"A picture is worth a thousand words is the saying"...but

What is it worth to you to rewrite your story??


In this time of crisis, a lot is coming to the surface.

Old self judgments perhaps? Maybe based on how we are coping? Judgment of our world and administration and how we got here? Anger? Fear? Loneliness? Questioning what to do in a time of quarantine?...


So I thought it could be interesting to look at a photo of yourself (my self in this case) that represents a time in your life..

WHAT DO YOU SEE when you look at this photo??


If I am objective and take my "self" out of it, I may have said "fabulous" "couture" "outrageous" or in a self judging voice "selfish?" "disconnected mother"..in former days of self judgment of bottle instead of breast feeding...


I could go down a rabbit hole of judging this woman, this mother, without "knowing" her..and sadly, this is exactly what I did during this time. It's sadly what we do to each other everyday: judgment.

I compared myself to every other mother

(someone genius said comparison is the thief of joy). I robbed myself with this comparison to every seemingly Mary Poppins of a mother who appeared to have her umbrella and magic bag together and in order.


You may have seen "fabulous" or "amazing" when first viewing this photo or some other harsher judgmental thought, and I don't judge you for that..


Yes, I was having fun playing dress up in my favorite garden..but here's what you may not have seen:

(In this brave new world, I choose to be brave):


Anyone who knows me, knows I had the dream of having my daughter, Colette. Not just a baby girl, but This Girl. She came to me in dreams and never left my Spiritual side three weeks after my son, Felix was born. So to finally have the girl of my dreams and still feel like I wasn't enough for her...to dream, of feeding her breast milk and mashed up peas and instead feeling like I couldn't do it (so I hid in the closet (literally) and then galavanted in the garden "playing mother"..

We did a shoot in the garden "for fun" but at this time, I felt so incapable as a mother. I think Colette was 8 or 9 months here. I could never breast feed in a way that satisfied either of my babies..they screamed and cried at the breast as they were not getting enough milk. I was a pumping machine for the first months with postpartum and feelings of inadequacy. All I ever wanted to be was a mother so I was devastated that once I had this Miracle, I felt I wasn't up for the job...so in fear that I was letting the baby down, I was hardly ever alone with the baby. The dream of becoming a mother was met by my nightmare of not being enough..


When you first saw this photo, would you think this was taken by a nanny and this woman was guilt ridden for using the F word (formula) instead of breast milk? Would you guess that she may have been covering up this guilt with gilt: "Fabulous" (vintage designer Leonard from a consignment store...(I still do love to recycle clothes for the Earth and for fun of treasure hunting))...and a replica of Madame Ganna Walska's crown as a cover up for the "I'm doing great..isn't my life and motherhood amazing?"


In other words, would you see this photo and see "Not Enough?"

Or did you see "Too Much?"

Either term hurts.


Anyone who knows me, knows I had the dream of having my daughter, Colette. Not just a baby girl, but This Girl. She came to me in dreams and never left my Spiritual side three weeks after my son Felix was born. So to finally have the girl of my dreams and still feel like I wasn't enough for her...to dream, of feeding her breast milk and mashed up peas and instead feeling like I couldn't do it (so I hid in the closet (literally) and then galavanted in the garden "playing mother"..

Talk about the F word.


So there is the self judgment that was. I don't know how many words but probably more than 1,000?


Here are a 1,000 ? Reclaimed Rewritten words from an honest space of looking back with a new lens of Self Compassion:


The Time is Now in our world to shift with this new energy instead of dwelling in the old wounds of judgment and operating out of that illness.

HERE IS ME: SPEAKING NOW IN MY HEART TO MY PAST SELF IN THIS PHOTO:


"YOU WERE DOING YOUR BEST, MY LOVE

SELF COMPASSION IS CRITICAL HERE NOT SELF CRITISIZING

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DO IT; THERE IS NOT ONE WAY TO MOTHER 

DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF, SWEET ONE

YOU ARE YOU

EMBRACE YOUR FEROCIOUS LIONESS LOVE AND KNOW THAT YOU DO (AND ALWAYS WILL) LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER BEYOND WORDS 

SHE IS YOUR DREAM COME TRUE AND YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR HER AS HER MOTHER. WHAT IF SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T NEED TO BE BREAST FED BUT WAS FED MOST BY YOUR LOVING HONEST ESSENCE, EVEN IF YOUR MILK DID NOT FLOW....LIFE FLOWS AROUND YOU IN A MAGICAL WAY, WITH YOUR KINDNESS GRACE AND LOVE OF BEAUTY. WHAT IF SHE SAID TO YOU, "IT'S A BLAST BEING YOUR DAUGHTER..WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN AND EVEN IF YOU ARE JUST READING A BOOK IN BED WITH ME IN A NIGHT SHIRT OR YOU'RE WHISKING ME OFF ON SOME ADVENTURE IN COUTURE, IT DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU'RE AUTHENTICALLY YOU.

YOU ARE NOT ONLY ENOUGH.

YOU ARE MY PERFECT MOTHER. I LOVE YOU LIKE NO OTHER. THANK YOU."


WOW A PICTURE IS WORTH..MORE THAN A THOUSAND WORDS:

IT'S AS PRICELESS AS A MASTERPIECE:

A WORK OF ART TO RECLAIM YOURSELF AS YOURSELF.

IN THAT TIME AND ALWAYS: WITH LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.

l


Message for today. My hope is if we can stop our self judgment in dealing with this virus and the loneliness or boredom or fear that it conjures up, and we can have compassion for whatever arises in this time of transformation...a lot of self pressure can be taken off. My biggest fear of being "alone" with my children is time to be faced. (Yes I still have my angel person that comes for half a day and then the babies go to their father for a week..I would never pretnd I would be doing this (writing this blog) without support for my babies) Actually I take that back, I am currently writing in the house by myself with my sleeping babies and everything is ok. They are peaceful and I am reclaiming my peace and inner wisdom that I can do this. That I am never, nor was ever alone. I have everything I need.


More rewriting and reclaiming to give ourselves what we need to face these moments of doubt and fear that we can't do it alone. We don't have to: we have our new purified selves: those selves that are phoenixes rising from the ashes of despair...those selves that were always the lotus, no matter how muddy the pond.






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